GraduateGirl

So here we are again. Christmas around the corner and I haven't even bothered. This year I cannot bring myself to put up a tree or lights. I haven't scribbled out Season's Greetings on card stock, I have not purchased candy canes for all my students. I have not circled the mall,searching for the perfect gifts. I have not paused to admire the neighborhood Christmas lights. The most I have done is hum along to a Christmas carol while shopping at Safeway. I also RSVP'd to the Christmas brunch for work, but I don't see how I will be able to make it through an hour and a half of chatting with other teachers donned in their gay apparel (typically gaudy bas-relief Christmas sweaters and jingle bell earrings- if anyone was wondering).

I cannot explain my brusque/indifferent/complacent attitude toward the holidays. The meaning of Christmas and the way we celebrate it has always posed such ambiguity to me. I have known the bliss of family, warmth, memories, and abundance of food and gifts. Yet, I have also known the absence of family and friends or gifts, warmth, memory making moments, as well as the bland taste of holiday food in troubling times. These two very different childhood memories have left a bitter taste in my mouth. Sometimes I simply wonder if the only reason I loved Christmas as a young child is that it was the one day of the year my parents were actually in a good mood for a full 24 hours.

I have no idea what I will do this year. And I'm really not concerned. My family lives overseas and we are estranged anyway. Still- I'll probably use the holidays to make my once-every-two-years obligatory phone call. Most of my friends don't know I will spend it alone and I don't want them to know. Charity or pity is the last thing I need or WANT from anyone. Moreover, I rather like the idea of facing the day alone. It's like a challenge. I revel in knowing that few have done it and few will. I think of it as an exercise in courage and inner strength. "What doesn't kill you...yadda yadda yadda..."

I have considered volunteering- feeding the homeless and what not. I think that will get my mind off of me and the bleakness of my apartment and enable me to focus on the spirit of the season, which TO ME is recognizing the birth of Christ and the need to give to others as we have so been so generously blessed. In addition, it will get me out of the house- an event that has occurred less and less since Mr. S and I "took a break."

This holiday would be a good time for me to focus on another aspect of the words "peace and love." I have spent/wasted so much time on the "eros" aspect of love and maybe need to have a balance by focusing on the "agape" part. I really do need more of this in my life, after all. Still, this will be hard to do, when I feel so empty and drained myself.

I like a good challenge. Christmas sans Mr. S will be just that. I know I'll come out alright. I'm not afraid.

I'm going to eat my fear; I'll consume it...before it consumes me.