Thursday, December 14, 2006
I HATE BEING LIED TO
Well, long time no see, blog.
Long story short, Mr. S and I are probably on the outs. It's a long story. I had to pull out the stops, even though we love each other very much. It just wasn't meant to be forever, even though we both want it to be so. Sometimes, Patty Smythe sang, love just ain't enough. Truer words were never spoken.
So while I'm still reeling from all that pain, more heartache comes in. I just have to write to purge; purge to write. This is not for the masses to read necessarily, just for me to pour out what I know about myself right now, here, in this moment.
I have a semester exam to write but I can't focus. I'm so FRUSTRATED!
So the new "boy" comes waltzing into my life and convinces me that he would be worth taking a chance on in the distant future- once the dust settles. We agree to remain friends and to let things happen as they might. God- why are you doing this to me? I WASN'T LOOKING FOR ANYONE NEW. But he was persuasive-- and ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL the things I would normally want in a "mate."
I'm so glad I didn't do anything with him, that I kept my boundaries and was honest. BUT now I'm sick to my stomach that he knows that there could be a chance in the distant future and he has the power to turn me on and off as he pleases. I gave him that power and I'm disgusted with myself.
And what is with his silence? What is this stupid, stupid, stupid childish game that he's playing with me? Warm one minute and cool the next? Why can't he just come out and tell me if he's dating someone or if he saw a booger in my nose one day and decided he was done. Aren't I a big girl? Can't I handle it? I HATE THE GAME, AND I HATE THE DECEITFULNES OF IT ALL.
Maybe I'm angry because I feel as though I broke up with Mr. S to be with Mr. D. But I know I didn't. He was a catalyst and Mr. S. and I were going to break up anyway. I would never, never, never want to cheat on Mr. S. Never. Mr. D. and I even discussed it- there was no way that Mr. D could be the sole gravitational pull for me leaving Mr. S. We didn't even know each other, and I wasn't even sure I was attracted.
Maybe my vanity is doing a number on me- wanting to be admired and pursued and now that he's stopped...maybe my self-worth has been so wrapped up in how many times a day he emails me or calls or says he's thinking about me. I fucking hate it. I'm stronger than this and I want nothing more than to just forget about him. But I feel snubbed, and my pride is injured. I'm angry that I let him into my world and let him walk away thinking there was a possiblity. I should have snubbed him first.
For one, I am way too young for him. What business does he have coming after ME? Was this all about the chase? That fucking horny idiot- faking to be Christian, faking to be polite, and gentlemanly, faking to be soooooo fucking interested in my music. What a joke.
What could have possibly gone wrong between Friday and now? What did I DO to make this so awkward? HE'S THE ONE MAKING THIS AWKWARD. Does he think he is so important, running around here with his guitars, and his keys, and his precious building? Does he think his title should make me bow down in respect? You lost my respect, Mr. D., when you yanked at my heart strings, convinced me to get to know you as a friend, hoping that I would fall and eventually be yours. YOU'RE AN IDIOT! You have single-handedly taken my mind off of work, my classes, Mr. S., and now you just walk away from the wreckage? You're insulting to me! This is EXACTLY what I didn't want. I told you this in all our long conversations about the "what ifs!" How could you have not seen this was my fear? Yet you preyed on me anyway-
God, I've been a fool. Wanting things that can never be in this life. Here I stand, looking over my shoulder and all I see is a cat-and-mouse chase of what I thought would make me happy. It's been a stupid loop all my life. Never, ever, ever, satiated. Why did you give me this hole in my heart if you knew who I would turn out to be and what I would do with it? Gabe is right! If you know the outcome, why do you torture us like this? If you've always known I would be weak in trusting you...why did you leave me crusts of bread to follow you "all the days of my life?"
My portion forever? You better make the time to show up, then. Because nothing you have given me or force fed me or punished me with is MAKING ANY SENSE. I am tired of wrestling you and what your will is for my life. If you really do show up on time in everybody else's life then where are you in mine? Do you understand me? I'm so close to giving up hope on you and the plans you have for my life to "prosper"- this all seems like crap. I'm sorry to seem so disrespectful but ...come on!
How long will i have to wait on you? Haven't I looked to the Hills long enough? haven't I cried long enough? Haven't I wanted long enough? IS DESIRE UNSPOKEN, CEASELESS PRAYER? If so, then where are YOU?
...and why are you so silent?
Long story short, Mr. S and I are probably on the outs. It's a long story. I had to pull out the stops, even though we love each other very much. It just wasn't meant to be forever, even though we both want it to be so. Sometimes, Patty Smythe sang, love just ain't enough. Truer words were never spoken.
So while I'm still reeling from all that pain, more heartache comes in. I just have to write to purge; purge to write. This is not for the masses to read necessarily, just for me to pour out what I know about myself right now, here, in this moment.
I have a semester exam to write but I can't focus. I'm so FRUSTRATED!
So the new "boy" comes waltzing into my life and convinces me that he would be worth taking a chance on in the distant future- once the dust settles. We agree to remain friends and to let things happen as they might. God- why are you doing this to me? I WASN'T LOOKING FOR ANYONE NEW. But he was persuasive-- and ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL the things I would normally want in a "mate."
I'm so glad I didn't do anything with him, that I kept my boundaries and was honest. BUT now I'm sick to my stomach that he knows that there could be a chance in the distant future and he has the power to turn me on and off as he pleases. I gave him that power and I'm disgusted with myself.
And what is with his silence? What is this stupid, stupid, stupid childish game that he's playing with me? Warm one minute and cool the next? Why can't he just come out and tell me if he's dating someone or if he saw a booger in my nose one day and decided he was done. Aren't I a big girl? Can't I handle it? I HATE THE GAME, AND I HATE THE DECEITFULNES OF IT ALL.
Maybe I'm angry because I feel as though I broke up with Mr. S to be with Mr. D. But I know I didn't. He was a catalyst and Mr. S. and I were going to break up anyway. I would never, never, never want to cheat on Mr. S. Never. Mr. D. and I even discussed it- there was no way that Mr. D could be the sole gravitational pull for me leaving Mr. S. We didn't even know each other, and I wasn't even sure I was attracted.
Maybe my vanity is doing a number on me- wanting to be admired and pursued and now that he's stopped...maybe my self-worth has been so wrapped up in how many times a day he emails me or calls or says he's thinking about me. I fucking hate it. I'm stronger than this and I want nothing more than to just forget about him. But I feel snubbed, and my pride is injured. I'm angry that I let him into my world and let him walk away thinking there was a possiblity. I should have snubbed him first.
For one, I am way too young for him. What business does he have coming after ME? Was this all about the chase? That fucking horny idiot- faking to be Christian, faking to be polite, and gentlemanly, faking to be soooooo fucking interested in my music. What a joke.
What could have possibly gone wrong between Friday and now? What did I DO to make this so awkward? HE'S THE ONE MAKING THIS AWKWARD. Does he think he is so important, running around here with his guitars, and his keys, and his precious building? Does he think his title should make me bow down in respect? You lost my respect, Mr. D., when you yanked at my heart strings, convinced me to get to know you as a friend, hoping that I would fall and eventually be yours. YOU'RE AN IDIOT! You have single-handedly taken my mind off of work, my classes, Mr. S., and now you just walk away from the wreckage? You're insulting to me! This is EXACTLY what I didn't want. I told you this in all our long conversations about the "what ifs!" How could you have not seen this was my fear? Yet you preyed on me anyway-
God, I've been a fool. Wanting things that can never be in this life. Here I stand, looking over my shoulder and all I see is a cat-and-mouse chase of what I thought would make me happy. It's been a stupid loop all my life. Never, ever, ever, satiated. Why did you give me this hole in my heart if you knew who I would turn out to be and what I would do with it? Gabe is right! If you know the outcome, why do you torture us like this? If you've always known I would be weak in trusting you...why did you leave me crusts of bread to follow you "all the days of my life?"
My portion forever? You better make the time to show up, then. Because nothing you have given me or force fed me or punished me with is MAKING ANY SENSE. I am tired of wrestling you and what your will is for my life. If you really do show up on time in everybody else's life then where are you in mine? Do you understand me? I'm so close to giving up hope on you and the plans you have for my life to "prosper"- this all seems like crap. I'm sorry to seem so disrespectful but ...come on!
How long will i have to wait on you? Haven't I looked to the Hills long enough? haven't I cried long enough? Haven't I wanted long enough? IS DESIRE UNSPOKEN, CEASELESS PRAYER? If so, then where are YOU?
...and why are you so silent?
