Thursday, January 13, 2005
MISSING IN ACTION
So my blogs have been.... scarce, to say the least.
What can I say?
I so often think of penning my thoughts here, but feel tired and drained before I get to it. It's just one more thing to do.
I used to write so often before Mr. S came into my life. That was because I was melancholy and sometimes lonely. Now that he is in my life, there is no need or time to complain or examine the difficulties and challenges of my life via a journal.
Perhaps the greatest reason for this is that we talk often, Mr. S. and I. He listens to many of my woes (and can respond, unlike a journal). We understand each other on many levels and ours is a spiritual connection as much as it is a romantic or affectionate one. Never before has someone understood the complex layers of my personality. Never before have I wanted to please and serve and adore someone so much. Some might say that last statement sounds subservient. It isn't. You can't understand if you don't know him. Or how I feel when I am with him. How many times have I thought to myself that I would gladly devote the rest of my days to working hard to make his life easy and comfortable?
1 year and two months. And it still feels new.
This week we had our first altercation. It was awkward, and I felt so vulnerable. Like a small child in trouble with his or her parents. I couldn't yell at him. I couldn't raise my voice to match his. I didn't want to be angry. I only wanted to love him, and assure him that whatever stressful situation we were in, there was a solution. I wanted to slow the conversation down and ask him to remember that at the center of my heart is the principal desire to love him and connect.
The altercation occurred on the phone, and I was caught off guard. His complaints were so unusual, so uncharacteristic! I cried, in spite of myself. Even though I tried so hard not to- I was so shocked... after all, what differences of opinions have we ever had that we haven't been able to discuss in calm and easy going tones? I felt so unprepared and felt so foolish. He asked me not to cry, and the altercation subsided.
I saw him an hour later at a restaurant where we were to meet with some friends. Upon meeting us, he embraced me with a warm smile, and a tender kiss. He put his arm around me as we pondered the menu and appetizers. He smiled often, and it was a "I-know-you-think-I'm-mad-but-I'm-not" smile; I knew then that it would be okay. And it was.
I know some would say that a lack of altercations in a relationship spells disaster. I have to argue that point. Mr. S and I are intrinsically determined to work things out with conversation and understanding- to raise our arguments and not our voices- to communicate with patience. I know it won't always be this way, but we can try.
And should the day arrive that we cannot come to a compromise or solution, we have promised to remember that although we may not understand the actions of the other person, we will try to fall back on what we know of his/her character and go from there.
Mr. S- Je t'aime beaucoup!
What can I say?
I so often think of penning my thoughts here, but feel tired and drained before I get to it. It's just one more thing to do.
I used to write so often before Mr. S came into my life. That was because I was melancholy and sometimes lonely. Now that he is in my life, there is no need or time to complain or examine the difficulties and challenges of my life via a journal.
Perhaps the greatest reason for this is that we talk often, Mr. S. and I. He listens to many of my woes (and can respond, unlike a journal). We understand each other on many levels and ours is a spiritual connection as much as it is a romantic or affectionate one. Never before has someone understood the complex layers of my personality. Never before have I wanted to please and serve and adore someone so much. Some might say that last statement sounds subservient. It isn't. You can't understand if you don't know him. Or how I feel when I am with him. How many times have I thought to myself that I would gladly devote the rest of my days to working hard to make his life easy and comfortable?
1 year and two months. And it still feels new.
This week we had our first altercation. It was awkward, and I felt so vulnerable. Like a small child in trouble with his or her parents. I couldn't yell at him. I couldn't raise my voice to match his. I didn't want to be angry. I only wanted to love him, and assure him that whatever stressful situation we were in, there was a solution. I wanted to slow the conversation down and ask him to remember that at the center of my heart is the principal desire to love him and connect.
The altercation occurred on the phone, and I was caught off guard. His complaints were so unusual, so uncharacteristic! I cried, in spite of myself. Even though I tried so hard not to- I was so shocked... after all, what differences of opinions have we ever had that we haven't been able to discuss in calm and easy going tones? I felt so unprepared and felt so foolish. He asked me not to cry, and the altercation subsided.
I saw him an hour later at a restaurant where we were to meet with some friends. Upon meeting us, he embraced me with a warm smile, and a tender kiss. He put his arm around me as we pondered the menu and appetizers. He smiled often, and it was a "I-know-you-think-I'm-mad-but-I'm-not" smile; I knew then that it would be okay. And it was.
I know some would say that a lack of altercations in a relationship spells disaster. I have to argue that point. Mr. S and I are intrinsically determined to work things out with conversation and understanding- to raise our arguments and not our voices- to communicate with patience. I know it won't always be this way, but we can try.
And should the day arrive that we cannot come to a compromise or solution, we have promised to remember that although we may not understand the actions of the other person, we will try to fall back on what we know of his/her character and go from there.
Mr. S- Je t'aime beaucoup!
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