GraduateGirl

Well, long time no see, blog.
Long story short, Mr. S and I are probably on the outs. It's a long story. I had to pull out the stops, even though we love each other very much. It just wasn't meant to be forever, even though we both want it to be so. Sometimes, Patty Smythe sang, love just ain't enough. Truer words were never spoken.

So while I'm still reeling from all that pain, more heartache comes in. I just have to write to purge; purge to write. This is not for the masses to read necessarily, just for me to pour out what I know about myself right now, here, in this moment.

I have a semester exam to write but I can't focus. I'm so FRUSTRATED!

So the new "boy" comes waltzing into my life and convinces me that he would be worth taking a chance on in the distant future- once the dust settles. We agree to remain friends and to let things happen as they might. God- why are you doing this to me? I WASN'T LOOKING FOR ANYONE NEW. But he was persuasive-- and ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL the things I would normally want in a "mate."

I'm so glad I didn't do anything with him, that I kept my boundaries and was honest. BUT now I'm sick to my stomach that he knows that there could be a chance in the distant future and he has the power to turn me on and off as he pleases. I gave him that power and I'm disgusted with myself.

And what is with his silence? What is this stupid, stupid, stupid childish game that he's playing with me? Warm one minute and cool the next? Why can't he just come out and tell me if he's dating someone or if he saw a booger in my nose one day and decided he was done. Aren't I a big girl? Can't I handle it? I HATE THE GAME, AND I HATE THE DECEITFULNES OF IT ALL.

Maybe I'm angry because I feel as though I broke up with Mr. S to be with Mr. D. But I know I didn't. He was a catalyst and Mr. S. and I were going to break up anyway. I would never, never, never want to cheat on Mr. S. Never. Mr. D. and I even discussed it- there was no way that Mr. D could be the sole gravitational pull for me leaving Mr. S. We didn't even know each other, and I wasn't even sure I was attracted.

Maybe my vanity is doing a number on me- wanting to be admired and pursued and now that he's stopped...maybe my self-worth has been so wrapped up in how many times a day he emails me or calls or says he's thinking about me. I fucking hate it. I'm stronger than this and I want nothing more than to just forget about him. But I feel snubbed, and my pride is injured. I'm angry that I let him into my world and let him walk away thinking there was a possiblity. I should have snubbed him first.

For one, I am way too young for him. What business does he have coming after ME? Was this all about the chase? That fucking horny idiot- faking to be Christian, faking to be polite, and gentlemanly, faking to be soooooo fucking interested in my music. What a joke.

What could have possibly gone wrong between Friday and now? What did I DO to make this so awkward? HE'S THE ONE MAKING THIS AWKWARD. Does he think he is so important, running around here with his guitars, and his keys, and his precious building? Does he think his title should make me bow down in respect? You lost my respect, Mr. D., when you yanked at my heart strings, convinced me to get to know you as a friend, hoping that I would fall and eventually be yours. YOU'RE AN IDIOT! You have single-handedly taken my mind off of work, my classes, Mr. S., and now you just walk away from the wreckage? You're insulting to me! This is EXACTLY what I didn't want. I told you this in all our long conversations about the "what ifs!" How could you have not seen this was my fear? Yet you preyed on me anyway-

God, I've been a fool. Wanting things that can never be in this life. Here I stand, looking over my shoulder and all I see is a cat-and-mouse chase of what I thought would make me happy. It's been a stupid loop all my life. Never, ever, ever, satiated. Why did you give me this hole in my heart if you knew who I would turn out to be and what I would do with it? Gabe is right! If you know the outcome, why do you torture us like this? If you've always known I would be weak in trusting you...why did you leave me crusts of bread to follow you "all the days of my life?"

My portion forever? You better make the time to show up, then. Because nothing you have given me or force fed me or punished me with is MAKING ANY SENSE. I am tired of wrestling you and what your will is for my life. If you really do show up on time in everybody else's life then where are you in mine? Do you understand me? I'm so close to giving up hope on you and the plans you have for my life to "prosper"- this all seems like crap. I'm sorry to seem so disrespectful but ...come on!

How long will i have to wait on you? Haven't I looked to the Hills long enough? haven't I cried long enough? Haven't I wanted long enough? IS DESIRE UNSPOKEN, CEASELESS PRAYER? If so, then where are YOU?

...and why are you so silent?

Every so often the stars align and the powers of this universe deem me worthy of a small treat. Such was the case shortly after I wrote my last post: Mr.S actually asked me out on a date again, which caused a delightful turn of events in my life. We began to reconnect in what I can only describe as a painfully candid but surprisingly refreshing way. He broke down a lot of walls that he had put up to safeguard his heart, and I was able to finally convey how deeply this action had hurt us both. It was difficult to hear him confess of all the times he deliberately sabotaged the relationship only because (his words)things were going so well they scared him. I began to wonder if I wanted a man in my life who couldn't recognize a good thing. There was nothing wrong with the relationship until he viewed it as "too perfect."

Men.

Nevertheless, the culmination of our reconnection was an invitation to go home with him for a very white Christmas-- to meet (gulp) the family. I believe his exact words were: "It's time." I can't quite tell you how many revolutions my heart did within the confines of this body, but I can tell you there was a powerful feeling of vertigo.

Frantic phone calls and ticket purchases were made and within 24 hours I had a plane ticket to and from Dayton, Ohio. Looking back, I personally cannot think of one thing that could have gone wrong this Christmas. From the plane ride to meeting the fam, to the bland white covered scenery that is Dayton, Ohio, I loved every moment of it. I even (gasp) began to find my way back to liking Christmas again.
Finally, I got to see the place where my Mr. S grew up and put a visual location to the coming of age stories I have heard him tell many times- the bowling alley behind which he did very naughty things with a young lady in junior high; the woods where he would ride his motorcycle to meet his friends and walk his dog; the junior high and high school where he took his football and baseball teams to glory as team captain; the scene of an accident where he almost lost his life... there was too much to see and not enough time.

I loved his family and I was sad to leave. I think they loved me right back- if his mother's note to me was anything to go by. Who has ever heard of a thank you note for a thank you note? I have- she sent it. In her own handwriting, filling the card with a tender, heartfelt invitation to "come and visit any time I like." The note made me feel...triumphant, like I had won a prize. But that's how I feel simply being around Mr. S, anyway- so it's natural that I would feel that way about his family.

We had both been so worried- what didn't we worry about? I worried about where would we sleep: on one hand, I thought it would be hot to sleep in his old bedroom, preferably in his old bed. On the other hand, I thought his mother might have a problem with us sleeping in the same room, not being married and all (there was actually no need to worry after all). I worried about saying the right thing at the right time (Mr. S had told me his parents can be critical and hard to befriend.) I worried that his sister wouldn't like me- we were actually more alike than we may have imagined. Talking to her kids was a snap: since I teach teenagers it was easy to get them out of their shells (they're pretty quiet). But the thing we worried about the most was the color issue. Being an interracial couple is tricky in Ohio, I am told. Thus his hesitation to invite me sooner. I guess he needed time to visualize it all, and time to tell his family about...me. He has done a great job, for someone so timid. He'd told his family bits and pieces about me, until finally they saw a picture last Christmas and then met me in person at this holiday.

It's funny how you can get an idea in your head that is a fleeting thought, which turns into an obsessive part of your belief system. This whole time I thought he had been reluctant to tell his family about me because of the color issue. When we got home and debriefed over a lazy morning breakfast, he told me had been worried about introducing me to the family because he didn't want them to get his hopes up- in case we didn't stay together.

I'll let you interpret that comment. I know how I received it and I'm going to stick to it. :)

So here we are again. Christmas around the corner and I haven't even bothered. This year I cannot bring myself to put up a tree or lights. I haven't scribbled out Season's Greetings on card stock, I have not purchased candy canes for all my students. I have not circled the mall,searching for the perfect gifts. I have not paused to admire the neighborhood Christmas lights. The most I have done is hum along to a Christmas carol while shopping at Safeway. I also RSVP'd to the Christmas brunch for work, but I don't see how I will be able to make it through an hour and a half of chatting with other teachers donned in their gay apparel (typically gaudy bas-relief Christmas sweaters and jingle bell earrings- if anyone was wondering).

I cannot explain my brusque/indifferent/complacent attitude toward the holidays. The meaning of Christmas and the way we celebrate it has always posed such ambiguity to me. I have known the bliss of family, warmth, memories, and abundance of food and gifts. Yet, I have also known the absence of family and friends or gifts, warmth, memory making moments, as well as the bland taste of holiday food in troubling times. These two very different childhood memories have left a bitter taste in my mouth. Sometimes I simply wonder if the only reason I loved Christmas as a young child is that it was the one day of the year my parents were actually in a good mood for a full 24 hours.

I have no idea what I will do this year. And I'm really not concerned. My family lives overseas and we are estranged anyway. Still- I'll probably use the holidays to make my once-every-two-years obligatory phone call. Most of my friends don't know I will spend it alone and I don't want them to know. Charity or pity is the last thing I need or WANT from anyone. Moreover, I rather like the idea of facing the day alone. It's like a challenge. I revel in knowing that few have done it and few will. I think of it as an exercise in courage and inner strength. "What doesn't kill you...yadda yadda yadda..."

I have considered volunteering- feeding the homeless and what not. I think that will get my mind off of me and the bleakness of my apartment and enable me to focus on the spirit of the season, which TO ME is recognizing the birth of Christ and the need to give to others as we have so been so generously blessed. In addition, it will get me out of the house- an event that has occurred less and less since Mr. S and I "took a break."

This holiday would be a good time for me to focus on another aspect of the words "peace and love." I have spent/wasted so much time on the "eros" aspect of love and maybe need to have a balance by focusing on the "agape" part. I really do need more of this in my life, after all. Still, this will be hard to do, when I feel so empty and drained myself.

I like a good challenge. Christmas sans Mr. S will be just that. I know I'll come out alright. I'm not afraid.

I'm going to eat my fear; I'll consume it...before it consumes me.

Hello party people:
I don't know if anyone reads this damn blog anymore, but I got a comment this morning or last night from someone. You know who you are, girl. We need to talk. I just googled my blog name and found an interesting site with mine and your site's name on it. I want to send you the link, so email me back with a real addy so that we can discuss.
Ta.